the joy and the sadness will always hold hands.

next stop on the vacation was san diego, many stories to come about that. i cried a lot on this trip which was frustrating because i was really happy. i thought so much about childhood and innocence. i saw so many happy kids doing happy kid things and i remembered so strongly what that felt like. i was overwhelmed by it. i saw everyone i knew in those children, we must have all been so happy and free once. i thought if those kids are laughing so hard then they must be alright, then they must grow up to be okay, then their parents must be nice to them and love them very much. then i thought about the kids that never get to swim in the ocean or get buried in the sand or ride the wooden rollercoaster that shakes like it's made of toothpicks. i was wrapped up in halo experiencing the same things i did when i was his age. swimming in the pacific ocean with him and crashing into waves, i felt like a child. i felt foolish and deliriously happy at the same time. i kept thinking that i should feel more grown up by now and like i am some kind of fraud. do many people walk around pretending they are more grown up than they are? lying on the beach, baking in the sun to dry off, i was pretty sure that everyone could see right though me. it was a real raw time.

No comments: